It is often said that the greatest challenges are those that are unseen, and as it seems, it couldn’t be truer. It has been exactly 1 year 7 months since I pledged to “Refuse to Stand for Christ, but I’d sit for Him.” Never have I felt stronger about those words, and never have I lacked such strength as to see them put into action.
A year and 7 months ago, I realized that I, and many others, have completely and utterly missed what life is about. Too often we hear of the “culture wars” going on among the religious right and the liberal left. Anti-Christian sentiment fills our televisions, radios, courtrooms, and sometimes even schoolhouses. In response, Christians rally outside abortion clinics, harassing young and confused girls, yell insults and condemnation at gay pride parades, spite those with life threatening diseases because we don’t approve of lifestyle choices, and still wonder why there is a culture war. Christians, in an attempt to be just as boisterous, have succeeded in nothing else but alienating the people we were called to love. Amazingly, it is not the latter that Christians focus on, but only how they are the victims. In turn, this breeds an overhyped emotional message at Christian rallies, encouraging youth to “fight mainstream society, be different, stand out.” But it was this very attitude that Christ condemned. Christ didn’t care what people’s sins were, he cared who the people were. In my Fine arts sermon I noted that the modern Christ would be a self proclaimed Phd of religious studies who hung out with prostitutes, murderers, and thieves. Instead of fighting the culture he was in, Christ went alongside the culture, disregarding the stuff that was unholy, partaking in what was, and changing the hearts of every person that he came into contact with. That was the pledge that I promised I would try to live up to.
With that prefaced, I have found the epitome of Biblical struggle. It is not so much the circumstance as it is the character. David’s struggle wasn’t facing a giant. There were only two outcomes that could come of that, he would win, or lose. The struggle was lifting his head up to decide to fight the giant. What would the army think? His brothers think? Would they love him if he won? Would they give up the battle as agreed if he lost? Should he wear the armor? All the doubt and insecurities were not in facing goliath, but in facing himself. Looking at Job, we see he wasn’t troubled most by his losses, but with his internal struggle in staying faithful. Even Christ himself, as great a tribulation as the beatings were, knew he would die and rejoin his father in heaven. It wasn’t the circumstance, it was the character. We see the struggle when Christ asked if the cup could pass. Biblical struggle is internal. It isn’t the culture we should be fighting, it is our internal insecurities.
In my own life, I have seen this with great prevalence this past year and 7 months. It was easy in my youth, not that I am old, but in my faith with Christ, to become passionately inflamed with self righteousness for the cause of Christ. It was easy to go and tell people that Jesus loved them. It was easy to debate with the atheist why he was wrong, it was easy to tell my brother he wasn’t living a good enough life. These struggles that had been hyped at youth events were easy to face! Then I decided to sit down. No more would I allow my fiery edge be the reason that someone walked away from potentially knowing God. No more would pointless debate on the existence of God be spoken of my tongue. I learned I could not convince someone who was not willing to be open. Instead I decided to practice love. No longer would I sit upon my white horse and tell others what was wrong in their lives. Instead, I would look at the people I disagreed with and speak words to uplift them. No longer would I debate with people of other religions why they were wrong, instead I would love them as Jesus would, and when the opportunity presented an adequate moment, present my case, but ultimately it was about the person.
This then is my struggle. I have lost my fiery edge, but along with that went the fire. Maybe it is a good thing, maybe not, time will tell, but that fervent emotional passion that was sparked with the “us against the world” attitude has drained much of my ambition for Christianity. I have become cynical of pastors and Christians who ride their white horses into the church building and that cynicism has begun to weigh heavy on my shoulders. I find myself daily praying for a balance, the fire without the fiery, yet it never seems to come. Many times I feel the urges of the past, the desire to argue, the desire to use my words for destruction instead of uplifting, and praise God he has given me strength to begin to tame my tongue. But it is a struggle.
Out of this endeavor, I have found myself a softer person, I try to fight it at times, but it is what it is. More than ever I am able to empathize. I desire to speak more words of advice and encouragement to others instead of harsh words. These are all positive things… but I have found the struggle.
I don’t know what I hope to gain by writing this, but it helps to put on paper what has been in my head. This internal struggle is by far the greatest thing I have had to deal with, and the frustrating thing is it is never ending.
